ϟ June 19, 2007
The other day, I went for a long walk in the woods where Jeremy and I used to go to be alone. We’d lie naked in this clearing, holding hands and talking. He had started carving our names into a tree there. He never finished. It just says SA + JB in a half finished heart. It was supposed to say forever. How fitting. I remember him asking me if I was okay with him putting forever. I just shrugged.
It took me a long time to find that tree. The carving is starting to fade into the wood and disappear. It was a young tree and it is healing. I guess the marks weren’t deep enough. There are also little marks from Jeremy’s pocket knife in a few of the trees marking our path so that we would know the way back. Those are fading now, too.
I shot a role of film so that I could remember that place. I didn’t even get to the clearing. I’ll have to go back up to take more pictures. I guess I haven’t moved on as much as I’d like to believe.
***
Last night, Matt IMed me and told me he was going for a walk. He said he was going to stop by so we could go for a walk. I didn’t really have an option. When he came by, I put down my book and went for a walk with him. I guess I should have realized what he was trying to do. I should have known better. But, no, I didn’t know it until he picked a flower from my neighbors garden and handed it to me saying that it reminded him of the one’s we’d made for our english presentation last year. This would have been absolutely adorable coming from someone other than Matt. He is a good friend. I can’t have a relationship with him. I don’t find him attractive at all. Besides the fact that I’m not even over Jeremy yet, let alone Peter.
Then he just kept pressing the issue, kept saying it wouldn’t be that weird for us to have a relationship. And I kept saying that yes, yes it would. We have a good friendship. I don’t want anything more. I don’t want to be a desperate girl who just latches onto the first guy who comes along. I don’t want to ruin what we have.
Still, it was a sweet gesture.
